Shananigans
September 13, 2018: Impending Storms
It has been over a year since last I wrote. So.Many.Things have happened. In January, during an ice storm, on St Elizabeth Ann Seton's feast day, my mother-in-law passed peacefully with my husband beside her. He kept his promise to her. She was home, in her room, with her son holding her hand. He kept his promise. And we began the grieving process.
It is sometimes funny to sit back and look where God has taken you in nine months time. If we had been able to sell this house the month after she past, had the will not have been put in probate and we were free to do as WE willed...I believe mistakes would have been made. We were praying, but we were not listening to God. Who, in the end, when we did listen, said "wait, stay." I, especially, did not want to hear those words. No, I wanted to run, to leave, without a thought for my husband. I am so very thankful that the obstacle of probate got in our path. So very thankful. It took us deep cleaning the house, visits from friends and family, and putting the house on the market (along with an anxiety attack, tears and long talks) to realize this: We are where we need to be. So we took the house off the market and hunkered down, in our home, to weather this real storm that is bearing down on us. We are surrounded by puppies and friends, neighbors and family. We are finally at peace. Though the storm may rage around me, my heart and soul are resting in Thee.
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July 2 , 2017: A Fall
It has seemed to me that I have been going 500 miles per hour this past year. Work and care-giving have taken over my life with little room for much of anything else. Just getting through the day to day. I have been thinking about this blog for quite sometime. I have put it on the back burner in loo of the day by day living.
In February, I started a new position at work, making me a permanent day shifter. In March, I started working 4 days a week instead of the 3 days I was use to. On my days off, I tend to relax, clean, meal prep, and assist with the care giving of the pups and my husband's mom. These are no excuses for not paying greater attention to the blog. Things just seem to get away from you at times. I have begun to enjoy the routine my husband and I have set up in the recent months. Caring for a new home, sending time together and with the pups. Church on Sundays and brunch afterwards, nightly walks with the pups, cooking dinner and eating meals at the table as a family. These past few months have been full of light and reading and love and cooking and togetherness. Both of us working toward the same goal: keeping his mom safe and happy, along with keeping our sanity intact.
Fast forward to this past Tuesday: I was restless and wanted to go on a walk/run with the dogs. I was not even a quarter of mile in the walk when my foot hit a loose piece of payment and down I went. I have taken falls before with the dogs and by myself, but this one took me out. road rash on my right hand and elbow and my left ankle strained/sprained. Not broken, thank goodness. Being a nurse who works at a rehab, I went to see the Physical therapist to have him assess my ankle/foot. According to him, I will be out of commission for at least 3 months. no heavy exercising, ie: running, jogging, speed walking, yoga, or Pilates. I am so mad at myself for this. I finally got my right heel and right knee healed up from plantar facilatis and a strained tendon in my knee. I was finally able to exercise like I wanted to and then this shit happened.
Right now, I feel like I am going through the 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. After the initial fall, I was able to get back up and I was in denial that I had even fallen, so I walked another half mile before I realized there was blood dripping down my arm and my palm. Only then did I think, I might need to go home and see about this. Once I had assessed the extent of the injuries, I became so angry at myself. That lasted about two days. By Friday, the bargaining started. Discussions ensued with the PT about the extent of exercising I could do safely. By Saturday, the full weight and reality of what had happened hit me and a deep blue depression has landed on me. One that I don't know how to shake. I do know what by writing about this, the deep blue has lighten some. Maybe in a few days, I will be able to see the light of acceptance and move forward. Tuesday will be a week that the incident has occurred. The swelling has decreased, the bruising is still ugly and the range of motion is increasing. I know that an injury like this will take time to heal, but I am impatient and I want to get back to life a usual. But I am not so selfish as to let this time I have to recover slip by me without making it productive. I am hoping to use this blog more, continue to read, write letters to family, and continue my art.
Lessons learned from this little adventure: Pay more attention to the surroundings. I'm not as young as I once was. I have amazing and wonderful friends, family and coworkers who are supportive and encouraging. Life doesn't stop just because you are injured, you have to be flexible but know your limits.
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January 22, 2017 :Be The Light
This past Friday was the inauguration of President Donald Trump. The next day was a woman's rally/march. The march was for woman's rights and equality. As my husband so eloquently replied, "Don't women have equal rights already?" Women do have equal rights. We have the right to vote. We have the right to bear arms and fight with our brothers. We have the right of free speech. We have the right to decide what we do with our reproductive bodies. We live in a society today that only our great-grandmothers and grandmothers could dream about. Which made me think, what was this march actually about?
I saw so many beautiful posts from friends on Facebook on Saturday. Posts full of love and togetherness and peacefulness. Mothers being an example of political awareness and social responsibility to their young and impressionable daughters. I applaud you and admire your strength, grace and wisdom in raising a beautiful and responsible generation of woman. I stand with you in your pursuit of these young woman. I will have your back.
From my view point, this march that united a nation and world, is not so much as a woman's right or equality, but to stand united in a solidarity that we, as women are not going anywhere. We will stand as a united voice against violence, against the darkness that is in this world. That love will always defeat hate, Light will defeat the darkness.
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November 4, 2015: Set backs and Feelings of Failure
Last month was suppose to be the month of healing. I had started the Autoimmune Protocol diet. After the initial set back/gluten attack, I was feeling pretty determined and gung-ho. I was ready, I wanted it and I knew I could do it. So many positives. I truly don't know what happened. It was as if I was blindsided by the foods I really wanted to avoid. Then another self imposed gluten attack happened (which I will explain shortly) and then Halloween happened. So there is a question I have been avoiding asking myself for the past 2 weeks. Do I really want this?
That is a very hard question for me. My automatic response is "YES, I do. I want to feel better." If that is truly the case, then I am going to have to do the work it takes to accomplish this goal. The ultimate goal is healing. Not weight loss, not depriving myself of the foods I use to enjoy, but to be healthier and mentally happier. I'm just going to have to do it. I'm going to have to be strong when faced with temptation. I am just going to have to remember what it feels like when I eat the foods, even the gluten free processed foods, that I should be avoiding. I feel like crap.
Speaking of feeling like crap. I do and I have for a week. The reason being was due to a rushed trip to the grocery store. My favorite ginger snaps come in regular and gluten free. The bags look exactly the same, except the gluten free label is small and near the top of the bag. Guess which bag I grabbed in a rush to get out of the store. To top it off, I started eating the cookies on the way home. I got through about 4-5 cookies before I realized they were not gluten free. I wanted to cry and scream and kick myself at the same time. I have never felt so defeated in my whole life when it comes to my health. I didn't even want to tell my husband, the shame was so great. How stupid could I be? I knew better than to rush around in the grocery store.
After I calmed down, consumed 3 liters of water and my Zyrtec. I decided I would use this opportunity to truly see how my body reacts to the gluten. (The previous gluten attacks have been from cross contamination and not direct consumption of gluten).
For those of you who want to know, this is what happens when I consume even a trace amount of gluten. This incident happened at 8 PM on Monday night.
0 hour after consumption: slight headache developed in the corner of my left eye. Slight stomach ache starts.
Hour 7: Insomnia sets in and I start tossing and turning. I finally fall asleep and sleep until Hour 16 (noon Tuesday)
Hour 16: Nagging stomach ache, fatigue, muscle aches and nagging headache. Able to keep down applesauce, banana, rice and tea. Consumption of water continues.
Hour 22: Have energy to cook dinner. Irritability sets in, headache worsening, able to eat dinner. (Mistake I later regret.)
Hour 24: Nausea hits full force with worsening of headache, restless legs and extreme fatigue sets in.
Hour 28: Vomiting, projectile and violent.
Hour 29: Stomach pain and headache with restless legs, and fatigue.
Hour 33: Sleep, restless, sleep
Hour 43: Awake, feeling weak with blood sugar very low. Able to consume applesauce and rice. Dehydration headache (dull and achy), muscle fatigue and general weakness.
Hour 60: Able to make it through a 12 hour night shift, feeling peckish and at about 50%
Hour 69-until today: Diarrhea, fatigue, irritability, brain fog, nagging left eye pain, muscle and joint pain, irregular menstrual cycle.
Right now, I am feeling about 80%. I am thinking that, unless I have another attack, I should be back to 100% by next Monday. That will be exactly 2 weeks since the incident occurred. To me, this was one of the worst attacks because it was self-imposed. I do need to forgive myself and move forward. There were many lessons learned this time.
1. I will never impulse buy or rush through the grocery store again. If I don't have the time, I won't get the product.
2. I have started taking a probiotic. I feel like it has helped my gut. Again, I did a lot of research before I bought the supplement. I feel like I made the right decision.
I hope my experience will help someone else understand what gluten actually does to those of us who have Celiac or non Celiac gluten allergy. This is real, and it is not fun or a fad. This is something that I have lived with my whole life and am finally understanding the full extent of the disease. I eat gluten-free because I have to, not because I'm following a fad.
The more you know, the more you will understand and grow as a person. This is what I hope to accomplish.
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October 14, 2015: A long hard Journey to healing
Healing comes in many forms. There is emotional healing. Spiritual healing. Physical healing. Whole body healing. Everyone is broken in one way or many ways. We live in a world full of other broken people. When we, ourselves, don't begin the healing process, we inhibit others from their healing. Broken people are caught in a vicious cycle, hurt begets hurt. Pain begets pain.
My own healing began many a moon ago. It started with the emotional healing and beginning to recognize the abuse that permeated my childhood. By just acknowledging that it happened opened the doors for other parts of my healing to begin.
Fast forward to 2011, a wake up call from a friend thus starting my physical healing journey. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Sitting on the back porch, sun shining in the windows. Talking, laughing and crying with one of my dearest friends for over an hour. Her and I share many a trait. One of them was our struggle, for the better part of our lives, with our weight. We were both heavy girls. My top of the scales weight was 250. We came to the conclusion that beautiful May day that there were many things we could not control in this life, but our weight was not one of them. We could control that. She started her physical healing, weight loss journey that June and I started September 1.
I learned many things that year. The greatest lesson that I learned was that I could do what I thought would be impossible. I lost 90 lbs from September 1, 2011 to Sept 1, 2012. I started to run, do yoga, cook healthier, and started this blog.
Fast forward to today. I have been diagnosed with Celiac's disease. Discovered through the last year that my body is intolerant of corn, coffee, and dairy. It has been three years since my initial weight loss. Since then, healing has continued. We all have ups and downs when it comes to healing. From my previous posts, you can see the last 2 years have been very difficult. I never realized that maintaining weight was immensely more difficult than the initial loss. I have gained 30 lbs back over the last year and a half. Have had more physical issues (nausea, vomiting, migraines, muscle and joint pain, fatigue, brain fog and general blah feeling). As with the beginning, I went back to what I do best...research.
I had questions that needed answers. Why was I having such a hard time with weight loss? Why am I continuing to be sick when I am following a gluten free diet. Are there other groups of food that are prohibiting my healing process.
My gut is sick. The gut is where the majority of our immune system is located. How can I heal my gut?
Through extensive research, I discovered the Paleo Autoimmune Protocol Diet. The paleo diet allows the consumer to eat foods that are all natural, literally salt of the earth foods. Nothing processed. No sugars, legumes, grains, or dairy. The Autoimmune Protocol diet follows paleo but is an elimination diet that brings the consumer down to the bare minimal basics. Hence, elimination. Basically, a gut rest and promotion of healing. It is done for a minimal of 30 days. When one feels ready, the reintroduction phases begin.
I started on October 1. I had one set back already. I don't know whether it was from the plantain chips (processed in the same facility as wheat, nut, dairy, soy, etc) or the sweet potato (which is OK) chips that were cooked in peanut oil (not OK), that caused the set back. Either way, I am still recovering, and its been almost a week since the incident. All in all, I am feeling better. I do have more energy. I was able to run again this past week, which I haven't done in several months. At the end of the 30 days, I will be posting again and adding a dinner list of the 30 dinners I made/ate during this time. As well as a typical week meal plan, including lunch for work and breakfast ideas.
This is not an easy journey, no matter what stage. I do believe I will be in all these stages for the rest of my life. The only comfort I have in this is my faith in God, the support of my family, esp my husband and the support of my friends. Their love and prayers, guidance and listening ear, have been the rock that I put my hope in. They have been a sounding board, my cheer leaders and the hard ass coach that knows when to push me to do and be better. I couldn't be the person I am today without them. With that I will say, good night and stay strong in whatever stage of the journey you find yourself in.
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April 14, 2015: Seeing Christ in Each Others Wounds
Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete, can we just be broken together? You bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine. -Casting Crowns
The Lenten season is over and the 8 weeks of Easter are here. Talk of new life and miracles are written into the homily. Except this past week. Father spoke of Thomas and his doubt. A doubt that I can totally relate to. I am a Thomas. I have been broken and hurt, lied to and taken for granted. In my feeble, human mind, I have to have that proof that love is there, that you will do what you say you will do. Until I see the wounds, I can't believe because I don't trust what is said.
There were two very key points that I was able to take from this homily.
1. Trust and faith. They walk hand in hand with each other. Thomas, even though he knew his fellow disciples, couldn't accept what they were telling him was truth. His lack of faith was causing him to doubt the truth. The truth of the risen Lord. Christ appeared to Thomas and Thomas was able to see and touch truth: the wounds, the body, our Lord.
We have to walk in complete trust and faith that what the Bible says is true, even though we can't see.
2. We each carry wounds. Emotional, physical, spiritual. Sometimes we are so focused on our own wounds that we forget. We forget we are a broken people that need each other and more importantly, we need to see Christ in each other through our wounds.
When we focus on ourselves and become selfish in our pain and struggle. We forget that the one person who truly understands, suffered the same. When we are able to look outside ourselves, we will to able to see Christ in each others wounds. Then we will be able to heal each other and truly love each other as Christ loves us.
We are a broken people in a broken world who serves a broken God.
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January 6, 2015: A Great Light
Those who walk in.darkness have seen a great light. -Isaiah 9:2
2014. When I think upon this past year, the night sky comes to mind. Picture a night in the country. A new moon and a spattering of brilliant stars, but otherwise complete darkness. Darkness so profound, you feel it deep in your soul.
That's how 2014 felt.
The imagery of light and darkness has always appealed to me, fascinated me really. J R R Tolkien comes to mind as my favorite author who exemplifies the struggle of light and darkness in the characters he has created. The transformation of Gandalf the grey to Gandalf the white. The hideous characters of the Orks and of Samaron the wise. The inner struggle of Aragorn. The beautiful battle scene in The Two Towers in which all hope seems lost for Aragorn and his army, only then Gandalf appears on the crest of the hill at dawn-light defeating the darkness.
I will not bore or burden you with the darkness of 2014; but I will counter with the starlight that brought glimmers of hope this past year. The celebration of marriages, the love of friends and family, the trips, the honoring of our faith. Friends and family, love and laughter. A grateful and full heart.
Amidst the tragedy, amidst the pain, amidst the darkness that seems to overwhelm; little stars shine through. Light: pure, beautiful, love, hope. Isn't that what light truly represents? What Tolkien spoke of time and time again?
There is Always Hope.
As long as you see the stars shining in your darkness.
There is Always Hope.
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November 10, 2014: Forgiving
We missed Sunday services, thankfully our church has an 8 am service everyday of the week. We walk in to a quiet sanctuary. The rosary is being recited by a few and I join in the recitation. It calms my soul to focus my words on a repetitive verse. Silence overcomes us at the end as we wait for the priest. The service begins and the homily starts. The scripture was concerning forgiveness.
"How many times are we to forgive our neighbors?" "70 times 7"
The weight of the words hit me like a ton of bricks right in my chest. It took everything in my being not to start crying or leave.
Part of the letting go process, I now realize, is forgiving.
This is not going to be an easy thing for me to do. Forgiving requires letting those people back into my life that have caused great harm to me mentally and, at times, physically.
Right now, you are probably wondering and screaming "NO! You can forgive them but don't let them back into your life." I agree with that statement. Boundaries will have to be set and abided by as to not cause any further damage.
This is the hard part. My mind says, "why? why let these people back into my life? I have spent years in therapy tearing down walls that were only up because of them and in less than 3 months, those walls are almost completely up again. Why?"
The answer comes in a quiet whisper.
I am a child of the Most High. I am covered in His blood and no harm can come to me.
I am to forgive to show God's love.
I am to forgive to bring closure in my life.
I am to forgive.
Pray for me as I begin this next step in my journey of letting go and forgiving.
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September 23, 2014: Letting Go
One week ago, I was typing along and somehow my finger deleted the entire tab of "Pondering" that was started in the beginning of 2013. As I stared at my computer screen in disbelief, sadness and anger swept through me. All I could say, with my hands pointed to the computer was "No!" over and over and over. My husband, in the background, was trying to piece together what was going on with me. All I could say to him was "It's gone, it's gone." As I could not fully explain to him what was lost and how it was lost and why I could not retrieve it; in all his wisdom, he stated "well, you can bake me a pie now." Shock registered on my two best friends faces as I was recalling this tale of woe to them on our annual girls weekend. But, as well as these girls know me, my husband knows that in time of stress and frustration, I need to be in the kitchen.
There is something so systematic, so tangible about the process of peeling and slicing apples, gathering ingredients, and watching a beautiful work come together out of seemingly chaos and disorder. It calms my soul and quiets my mind. I am able to think and form a clear plan of action. It took an apple crisp, 2 zucchini breads, and dinner to calm me down. My husband was quite happy and I was calm. The universe has a way of deleting, as it may be, the negativity that weighs us down but only when it is time to do so.
This is my time. Time to let go of those things in my life that are negative energy, waste of my time, and effort. It is time to close doors and not look back. It is time to let go.
This year has been a constant roller coaster of emotions, situations, and trials. There have been countless blessings (celebrating anniversaries, becoming part of a community of faith, celebrating weddings, trips and being surrounded by love and laughter of friends and family). There has also been terrible lows (the lost of two dear loved ones, both tragically, financial struggles, walking beside friends and family that are struggling in certain areas of life and coming to grips with certain family relationships that are toxic.) In the past month, reality of the trail in my life came crashing into me and hit me dead in the face. I am still trying to process these last nine months. A very dear friend noticed it right away and one of my girl friends confirmed what she had said and offered me, surprisingly, the same advice.
Let it go.
Let it go. The past is in the past. You can not change it, only your perception of it. Look around you, Look at the blessings in your life.
These wonderful, wise women said exactly what I painfully needed to hear.It is so hard to let go of the things that hurt us. We become comfortable with their thorns and drama that is created around them. The toxic venom it creates makes us crave the attention and puts our focus only on ourselves. We, I, become selfish. I overeat, I don't exercise and as a result, I have gained 25 lbs back from my original weight loss. I am not proud of it at all. But, I can not hide from it. Hiding from it brings shame, frustration, and self loathing; which, in turn, is all negative energy that will not help me lose this extra weight.
This past weekend with my friends has taught me a valuable lesson. I can do this. I am not alone. Slowly, surely, I am coming to terms with the events of this past year. I am letting go of the things that are negative in my life and offering in positive. I am so grateful for my family that loves me no matter what size I am and my friends who care enough about me to see that I am healthy and happy.
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My Cooking Philosophy
Everyone in life has a philosophy about one thing or another.What you believe will happen in a certain situation or has happened. What you believe about yourself and your morals. What one may call your philosophy maybe different than what I call mine, but in the end it is one's belief in that someone or something that composes the idea.
Enough of the rambling and on to the point: My cooking philosophy and the meaning of Cook-a-Book.
This is what I want to believe every time I cook or bake a recipe that appears on this blog.
1. I believe that most recipes should be short, simple and easy to put into practice. There is a lot of fluff in the middle of recipes that can be condensed so that the majority of consumers would not feel so intimidated by recipes that can be easily made. I will try to do just that...simple recipes that the majority will be able to understand without having their intelligence compromised.
2. Everyone, yes, those who are nodding your head "no," can cook. I was amoung the masses of young adults out of college who could only make a simple breakfast of toast and jam. I couldn't even scramble an egg, much less impress a potential beau. Sad to say that I am a Southerner who did not learn how to cook as a young adult. As a child and teenager, my siblings and I were not allowed in the kitchen, other than get the drinks and set the table. Truthfully, I had no desire until I got married and served my poor husband some quite awful meals. After one said meal, he sat me down and very gently told me the same advice his father told his mother. "If you can read, you can cook" Studious and persistence is in my nature, so I read any cookbook and magazine I could get my hand on; as well, watching any cooking show I could find. I learned how to cook from the best in the field, never having attended a class or leaving the comfort of my own kitchen.
3. The quality, not the quantity, of the ingredients (hopefully, as fresh as you can obtain) is the key that can unlock whole new worlds. To learn how to use what little you may have is something that does not happen overnight. It comes with practice and patience. You are not going to be able to recreate a dish the same way twice. Hopefully, it will be better the second time around; not only better, but something you can call your own. Cooking takes creativity; an art, like music. You can read the words on the page and follow the directions to the very last letter and still, the recipe may not turn out as you plan. It is only when you add your own creativity and, most importantly, your heart-then it will turn out spectacular.
4. Learn the basics, then build from that foundation. As a nurse, in school our professors taught us the very basics to do our job the best we could. It was from that foundation that we chose which specificity we would like to practice. The same applies to cooking. Learn 5 basic dishes ranging from breakfast to lunch to dinner and dessert. Learn them well, and then you will be able to expand your knowledge to more delicate affairs.
5. Most importantly, have fun. As I have said before, cooking is an art and like all art it should move you and you shouldn't be afraid to make mistakes. Those mistakes will be become part of the joy of cooking. Stories that will be told over and over again. Stuff of legends in your circle of friends and family. I will be sharing some of my stories with you so that you will not be afraid to do the same. A sense of adventure is all that you need. This is my invitation to you to join me in this journey.
The meaning of COOK-A-BOOK is simple. My husband, whom sees acronyms in just about everything, created the title for me. It goes as follows: Charity's outlook on kitchens and Baking out of kindness.
It has been over a year since last I wrote. So.Many.Things have happened. In January, during an ice storm, on St Elizabeth Ann Seton's feast day, my mother-in-law passed peacefully with my husband beside her. He kept his promise to her. She was home, in her room, with her son holding her hand. He kept his promise. And we began the grieving process.
It is sometimes funny to sit back and look where God has taken you in nine months time. If we had been able to sell this house the month after she past, had the will not have been put in probate and we were free to do as WE willed...I believe mistakes would have been made. We were praying, but we were not listening to God. Who, in the end, when we did listen, said "wait, stay." I, especially, did not want to hear those words. No, I wanted to run, to leave, without a thought for my husband. I am so very thankful that the obstacle of probate got in our path. So very thankful. It took us deep cleaning the house, visits from friends and family, and putting the house on the market (along with an anxiety attack, tears and long talks) to realize this: We are where we need to be. So we took the house off the market and hunkered down, in our home, to weather this real storm that is bearing down on us. We are surrounded by puppies and friends, neighbors and family. We are finally at peace. Though the storm may rage around me, my heart and soul are resting in Thee.
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July 2 , 2017: A Fall
It has seemed to me that I have been going 500 miles per hour this past year. Work and care-giving have taken over my life with little room for much of anything else. Just getting through the day to day. I have been thinking about this blog for quite sometime. I have put it on the back burner in loo of the day by day living.
In February, I started a new position at work, making me a permanent day shifter. In March, I started working 4 days a week instead of the 3 days I was use to. On my days off, I tend to relax, clean, meal prep, and assist with the care giving of the pups and my husband's mom. These are no excuses for not paying greater attention to the blog. Things just seem to get away from you at times. I have begun to enjoy the routine my husband and I have set up in the recent months. Caring for a new home, sending time together and with the pups. Church on Sundays and brunch afterwards, nightly walks with the pups, cooking dinner and eating meals at the table as a family. These past few months have been full of light and reading and love and cooking and togetherness. Both of us working toward the same goal: keeping his mom safe and happy, along with keeping our sanity intact.
Fast forward to this past Tuesday: I was restless and wanted to go on a walk/run with the dogs. I was not even a quarter of mile in the walk when my foot hit a loose piece of payment and down I went. I have taken falls before with the dogs and by myself, but this one took me out. road rash on my right hand and elbow and my left ankle strained/sprained. Not broken, thank goodness. Being a nurse who works at a rehab, I went to see the Physical therapist to have him assess my ankle/foot. According to him, I will be out of commission for at least 3 months. no heavy exercising, ie: running, jogging, speed walking, yoga, or Pilates. I am so mad at myself for this. I finally got my right heel and right knee healed up from plantar facilatis and a strained tendon in my knee. I was finally able to exercise like I wanted to and then this shit happened.
Right now, I feel like I am going through the 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. After the initial fall, I was able to get back up and I was in denial that I had even fallen, so I walked another half mile before I realized there was blood dripping down my arm and my palm. Only then did I think, I might need to go home and see about this. Once I had assessed the extent of the injuries, I became so angry at myself. That lasted about two days. By Friday, the bargaining started. Discussions ensued with the PT about the extent of exercising I could do safely. By Saturday, the full weight and reality of what had happened hit me and a deep blue depression has landed on me. One that I don't know how to shake. I do know what by writing about this, the deep blue has lighten some. Maybe in a few days, I will be able to see the light of acceptance and move forward. Tuesday will be a week that the incident has occurred. The swelling has decreased, the bruising is still ugly and the range of motion is increasing. I know that an injury like this will take time to heal, but I am impatient and I want to get back to life a usual. But I am not so selfish as to let this time I have to recover slip by me without making it productive. I am hoping to use this blog more, continue to read, write letters to family, and continue my art.
Lessons learned from this little adventure: Pay more attention to the surroundings. I'm not as young as I once was. I have amazing and wonderful friends, family and coworkers who are supportive and encouraging. Life doesn't stop just because you are injured, you have to be flexible but know your limits.
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January 22, 2017 :Be The Light
This past Friday was the inauguration of President Donald Trump. The next day was a woman's rally/march. The march was for woman's rights and equality. As my husband so eloquently replied, "Don't women have equal rights already?" Women do have equal rights. We have the right to vote. We have the right to bear arms and fight with our brothers. We have the right of free speech. We have the right to decide what we do with our reproductive bodies. We live in a society today that only our great-grandmothers and grandmothers could dream about. Which made me think, what was this march actually about?
I saw so many beautiful posts from friends on Facebook on Saturday. Posts full of love and togetherness and peacefulness. Mothers being an example of political awareness and social responsibility to their young and impressionable daughters. I applaud you and admire your strength, grace and wisdom in raising a beautiful and responsible generation of woman. I stand with you in your pursuit of these young woman. I will have your back.
From my view point, this march that united a nation and world, is not so much as a woman's right or equality, but to stand united in a solidarity that we, as women are not going anywhere. We will stand as a united voice against violence, against the darkness that is in this world. That love will always defeat hate, Light will defeat the darkness.
The homily today was spot on. Here's a brief summary:
There comes a point in each of our lives where we must choose. A light shines. The choice to follow the light or continue to live in the darkness.
Down the path of light, another choice is made: continue to just follow the light or to become the light and shine so that others can follow.
We are the children of darkness who have seen a great light.
We are also called to be the light that shines in the darkness.
Be the light in this dark world.
There comes a point in each of our lives where we must choose. A light shines. The choice to follow the light or continue to live in the darkness.
Down the path of light, another choice is made: continue to just follow the light or to become the light and shine so that others can follow.
We are the children of darkness who have seen a great light.
We are also called to be the light that shines in the darkness.
Be the light in this dark world.
November 4, 2015: Set backs and Feelings of Failure
Last month was suppose to be the month of healing. I had started the Autoimmune Protocol diet. After the initial set back/gluten attack, I was feeling pretty determined and gung-ho. I was ready, I wanted it and I knew I could do it. So many positives. I truly don't know what happened. It was as if I was blindsided by the foods I really wanted to avoid. Then another self imposed gluten attack happened (which I will explain shortly) and then Halloween happened. So there is a question I have been avoiding asking myself for the past 2 weeks. Do I really want this?
That is a very hard question for me. My automatic response is "YES, I do. I want to feel better." If that is truly the case, then I am going to have to do the work it takes to accomplish this goal. The ultimate goal is healing. Not weight loss, not depriving myself of the foods I use to enjoy, but to be healthier and mentally happier. I'm just going to have to do it. I'm going to have to be strong when faced with temptation. I am just going to have to remember what it feels like when I eat the foods, even the gluten free processed foods, that I should be avoiding. I feel like crap.
Speaking of feeling like crap. I do and I have for a week. The reason being was due to a rushed trip to the grocery store. My favorite ginger snaps come in regular and gluten free. The bags look exactly the same, except the gluten free label is small and near the top of the bag. Guess which bag I grabbed in a rush to get out of the store. To top it off, I started eating the cookies on the way home. I got through about 4-5 cookies before I realized they were not gluten free. I wanted to cry and scream and kick myself at the same time. I have never felt so defeated in my whole life when it comes to my health. I didn't even want to tell my husband, the shame was so great. How stupid could I be? I knew better than to rush around in the grocery store.
After I calmed down, consumed 3 liters of water and my Zyrtec. I decided I would use this opportunity to truly see how my body reacts to the gluten. (The previous gluten attacks have been from cross contamination and not direct consumption of gluten).
For those of you who want to know, this is what happens when I consume even a trace amount of gluten. This incident happened at 8 PM on Monday night.
0 hour after consumption: slight headache developed in the corner of my left eye. Slight stomach ache starts.
Hour 7: Insomnia sets in and I start tossing and turning. I finally fall asleep and sleep until Hour 16 (noon Tuesday)
Hour 16: Nagging stomach ache, fatigue, muscle aches and nagging headache. Able to keep down applesauce, banana, rice and tea. Consumption of water continues.
Hour 22: Have energy to cook dinner. Irritability sets in, headache worsening, able to eat dinner. (Mistake I later regret.)
Hour 24: Nausea hits full force with worsening of headache, restless legs and extreme fatigue sets in.
Hour 28: Vomiting, projectile and violent.
Hour 29: Stomach pain and headache with restless legs, and fatigue.
Hour 33: Sleep, restless, sleep
Hour 43: Awake, feeling weak with blood sugar very low. Able to consume applesauce and rice. Dehydration headache (dull and achy), muscle fatigue and general weakness.
Hour 60: Able to make it through a 12 hour night shift, feeling peckish and at about 50%
Hour 69-until today: Diarrhea, fatigue, irritability, brain fog, nagging left eye pain, muscle and joint pain, irregular menstrual cycle.
Right now, I am feeling about 80%. I am thinking that, unless I have another attack, I should be back to 100% by next Monday. That will be exactly 2 weeks since the incident occurred. To me, this was one of the worst attacks because it was self-imposed. I do need to forgive myself and move forward. There were many lessons learned this time.
1. I will never impulse buy or rush through the grocery store again. If I don't have the time, I won't get the product.
2. I have started taking a probiotic. I feel like it has helped my gut. Again, I did a lot of research before I bought the supplement. I feel like I made the right decision.
I hope my experience will help someone else understand what gluten actually does to those of us who have Celiac or non Celiac gluten allergy. This is real, and it is not fun or a fad. This is something that I have lived with my whole life and am finally understanding the full extent of the disease. I eat gluten-free because I have to, not because I'm following a fad.
The more you know, the more you will understand and grow as a person. This is what I hope to accomplish.
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October 14, 2015: A long hard Journey to healing
Healing comes in many forms. There is emotional healing. Spiritual healing. Physical healing. Whole body healing. Everyone is broken in one way or many ways. We live in a world full of other broken people. When we, ourselves, don't begin the healing process, we inhibit others from their healing. Broken people are caught in a vicious cycle, hurt begets hurt. Pain begets pain.
My own healing began many a moon ago. It started with the emotional healing and beginning to recognize the abuse that permeated my childhood. By just acknowledging that it happened opened the doors for other parts of my healing to begin.
Fast forward to 2011, a wake up call from a friend thus starting my physical healing journey. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Sitting on the back porch, sun shining in the windows. Talking, laughing and crying with one of my dearest friends for over an hour. Her and I share many a trait. One of them was our struggle, for the better part of our lives, with our weight. We were both heavy girls. My top of the scales weight was 250. We came to the conclusion that beautiful May day that there were many things we could not control in this life, but our weight was not one of them. We could control that. She started her physical healing, weight loss journey that June and I started September 1.
I learned many things that year. The greatest lesson that I learned was that I could do what I thought would be impossible. I lost 90 lbs from September 1, 2011 to Sept 1, 2012. I started to run, do yoga, cook healthier, and started this blog.
Fast forward to today. I have been diagnosed with Celiac's disease. Discovered through the last year that my body is intolerant of corn, coffee, and dairy. It has been three years since my initial weight loss. Since then, healing has continued. We all have ups and downs when it comes to healing. From my previous posts, you can see the last 2 years have been very difficult. I never realized that maintaining weight was immensely more difficult than the initial loss. I have gained 30 lbs back over the last year and a half. Have had more physical issues (nausea, vomiting, migraines, muscle and joint pain, fatigue, brain fog and general blah feeling). As with the beginning, I went back to what I do best...research.
I had questions that needed answers. Why was I having such a hard time with weight loss? Why am I continuing to be sick when I am following a gluten free diet. Are there other groups of food that are prohibiting my healing process.
My gut is sick. The gut is where the majority of our immune system is located. How can I heal my gut?
Through extensive research, I discovered the Paleo Autoimmune Protocol Diet. The paleo diet allows the consumer to eat foods that are all natural, literally salt of the earth foods. Nothing processed. No sugars, legumes, grains, or dairy. The Autoimmune Protocol diet follows paleo but is an elimination diet that brings the consumer down to the bare minimal basics. Hence, elimination. Basically, a gut rest and promotion of healing. It is done for a minimal of 30 days. When one feels ready, the reintroduction phases begin.
I started on October 1. I had one set back already. I don't know whether it was from the plantain chips (processed in the same facility as wheat, nut, dairy, soy, etc) or the sweet potato (which is OK) chips that were cooked in peanut oil (not OK), that caused the set back. Either way, I am still recovering, and its been almost a week since the incident. All in all, I am feeling better. I do have more energy. I was able to run again this past week, which I haven't done in several months. At the end of the 30 days, I will be posting again and adding a dinner list of the 30 dinners I made/ate during this time. As well as a typical week meal plan, including lunch for work and breakfast ideas.
This is not an easy journey, no matter what stage. I do believe I will be in all these stages for the rest of my life. The only comfort I have in this is my faith in God, the support of my family, esp my husband and the support of my friends. Their love and prayers, guidance and listening ear, have been the rock that I put my hope in. They have been a sounding board, my cheer leaders and the hard ass coach that knows when to push me to do and be better. I couldn't be the person I am today without them. With that I will say, good night and stay strong in whatever stage of the journey you find yourself in.
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April 14, 2015: Seeing Christ in Each Others Wounds
Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete, can we just be broken together? You bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine. -Casting Crowns
The Lenten season is over and the 8 weeks of Easter are here. Talk of new life and miracles are written into the homily. Except this past week. Father spoke of Thomas and his doubt. A doubt that I can totally relate to. I am a Thomas. I have been broken and hurt, lied to and taken for granted. In my feeble, human mind, I have to have that proof that love is there, that you will do what you say you will do. Until I see the wounds, I can't believe because I don't trust what is said.
There were two very key points that I was able to take from this homily.
1. Trust and faith. They walk hand in hand with each other. Thomas, even though he knew his fellow disciples, couldn't accept what they were telling him was truth. His lack of faith was causing him to doubt the truth. The truth of the risen Lord. Christ appeared to Thomas and Thomas was able to see and touch truth: the wounds, the body, our Lord.
We have to walk in complete trust and faith that what the Bible says is true, even though we can't see.
2. We each carry wounds. Emotional, physical, spiritual. Sometimes we are so focused on our own wounds that we forget. We forget we are a broken people that need each other and more importantly, we need to see Christ in each other through our wounds.
When we focus on ourselves and become selfish in our pain and struggle. We forget that the one person who truly understands, suffered the same. When we are able to look outside ourselves, we will to able to see Christ in each others wounds. Then we will be able to heal each other and truly love each other as Christ loves us.
We are a broken people in a broken world who serves a broken God.
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January 6, 2015: A Great Light
Those who walk in.darkness have seen a great light. -Isaiah 9:2
2014. When I think upon this past year, the night sky comes to mind. Picture a night in the country. A new moon and a spattering of brilliant stars, but otherwise complete darkness. Darkness so profound, you feel it deep in your soul.
That's how 2014 felt.
The imagery of light and darkness has always appealed to me, fascinated me really. J R R Tolkien comes to mind as my favorite author who exemplifies the struggle of light and darkness in the characters he has created. The transformation of Gandalf the grey to Gandalf the white. The hideous characters of the Orks and of Samaron the wise. The inner struggle of Aragorn. The beautiful battle scene in The Two Towers in which all hope seems lost for Aragorn and his army, only then Gandalf appears on the crest of the hill at dawn-light defeating the darkness.
I will not bore or burden you with the darkness of 2014; but I will counter with the starlight that brought glimmers of hope this past year. The celebration of marriages, the love of friends and family, the trips, the honoring of our faith. Friends and family, love and laughter. A grateful and full heart.
Amidst the tragedy, amidst the pain, amidst the darkness that seems to overwhelm; little stars shine through. Light: pure, beautiful, love, hope. Isn't that what light truly represents? What Tolkien spoke of time and time again?
There is Always Hope.
As long as you see the stars shining in your darkness.
There is Always Hope.
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November 10, 2014: Forgiving
We missed Sunday services, thankfully our church has an 8 am service everyday of the week. We walk in to a quiet sanctuary. The rosary is being recited by a few and I join in the recitation. It calms my soul to focus my words on a repetitive verse. Silence overcomes us at the end as we wait for the priest. The service begins and the homily starts. The scripture was concerning forgiveness.
"How many times are we to forgive our neighbors?" "70 times 7"
The weight of the words hit me like a ton of bricks right in my chest. It took everything in my being not to start crying or leave.
Part of the letting go process, I now realize, is forgiving.
This is not going to be an easy thing for me to do. Forgiving requires letting those people back into my life that have caused great harm to me mentally and, at times, physically.
Right now, you are probably wondering and screaming "NO! You can forgive them but don't let them back into your life." I agree with that statement. Boundaries will have to be set and abided by as to not cause any further damage.
This is the hard part. My mind says, "why? why let these people back into my life? I have spent years in therapy tearing down walls that were only up because of them and in less than 3 months, those walls are almost completely up again. Why?"
The answer comes in a quiet whisper.
I am a child of the Most High. I am covered in His blood and no harm can come to me.
I am to forgive to show God's love.
I am to forgive to bring closure in my life.
I am to forgive.
Pray for me as I begin this next step in my journey of letting go and forgiving.
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September 23, 2014: Letting Go
One week ago, I was typing along and somehow my finger deleted the entire tab of "Pondering" that was started in the beginning of 2013. As I stared at my computer screen in disbelief, sadness and anger swept through me. All I could say, with my hands pointed to the computer was "No!" over and over and over. My husband, in the background, was trying to piece together what was going on with me. All I could say to him was "It's gone, it's gone." As I could not fully explain to him what was lost and how it was lost and why I could not retrieve it; in all his wisdom, he stated "well, you can bake me a pie now." Shock registered on my two best friends faces as I was recalling this tale of woe to them on our annual girls weekend. But, as well as these girls know me, my husband knows that in time of stress and frustration, I need to be in the kitchen.
There is something so systematic, so tangible about the process of peeling and slicing apples, gathering ingredients, and watching a beautiful work come together out of seemingly chaos and disorder. It calms my soul and quiets my mind. I am able to think and form a clear plan of action. It took an apple crisp, 2 zucchini breads, and dinner to calm me down. My husband was quite happy and I was calm. The universe has a way of deleting, as it may be, the negativity that weighs us down but only when it is time to do so.
This is my time. Time to let go of those things in my life that are negative energy, waste of my time, and effort. It is time to close doors and not look back. It is time to let go.
This year has been a constant roller coaster of emotions, situations, and trials. There have been countless blessings (celebrating anniversaries, becoming part of a community of faith, celebrating weddings, trips and being surrounded by love and laughter of friends and family). There has also been terrible lows (the lost of two dear loved ones, both tragically, financial struggles, walking beside friends and family that are struggling in certain areas of life and coming to grips with certain family relationships that are toxic.) In the past month, reality of the trail in my life came crashing into me and hit me dead in the face. I am still trying to process these last nine months. A very dear friend noticed it right away and one of my girl friends confirmed what she had said and offered me, surprisingly, the same advice.
Let it go.
Let it go. The past is in the past. You can not change it, only your perception of it. Look around you, Look at the blessings in your life.
These wonderful, wise women said exactly what I painfully needed to hear.It is so hard to let go of the things that hurt us. We become comfortable with their thorns and drama that is created around them. The toxic venom it creates makes us crave the attention and puts our focus only on ourselves. We, I, become selfish. I overeat, I don't exercise and as a result, I have gained 25 lbs back from my original weight loss. I am not proud of it at all. But, I can not hide from it. Hiding from it brings shame, frustration, and self loathing; which, in turn, is all negative energy that will not help me lose this extra weight.
This past weekend with my friends has taught me a valuable lesson. I can do this. I am not alone. Slowly, surely, I am coming to terms with the events of this past year. I am letting go of the things that are negative in my life and offering in positive. I am so grateful for my family that loves me no matter what size I am and my friends who care enough about me to see that I am healthy and happy.
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My Cooking Philosophy
Give me books, fruit, French wine, fine weather, and a little music played out of doors, played by someone I do not know. -John Keats
Everyone in life has a philosophy about one thing or another.What you believe will happen in a certain situation or has happened. What you believe about yourself and your morals. What one may call your philosophy maybe different than what I call mine, but in the end it is one's belief in that someone or something that composes the idea.
This is what I want to believe every time I cook or bake a recipe that appears on this blog.
1. I believe that most recipes should be short, simple and easy to put into practice. There is a lot of fluff in the middle of recipes that can be condensed so that the majority of consumers would not feel so intimidated by recipes that can be easily made. I will try to do just that...simple recipes that the majority will be able to understand without having their intelligence compromised.
2. Everyone, yes, those who are nodding your head "no," can cook. I was amoung the masses of young adults out of college who could only make a simple breakfast of toast and jam. I couldn't even scramble an egg, much less impress a potential beau. Sad to say that I am a Southerner who did not learn how to cook as a young adult. As a child and teenager, my siblings and I were not allowed in the kitchen, other than get the drinks and set the table. Truthfully, I had no desire until I got married and served my poor husband some quite awful meals. After one said meal, he sat me down and very gently told me the same advice his father told his mother. "If you can read, you can cook" Studious and persistence is in my nature, so I read any cookbook and magazine I could get my hand on; as well, watching any cooking show I could find. I learned how to cook from the best in the field, never having attended a class or leaving the comfort of my own kitchen.
3. The quality, not the quantity, of the ingredients (hopefully, as fresh as you can obtain) is the key that can unlock whole new worlds. To learn how to use what little you may have is something that does not happen overnight. It comes with practice and patience. You are not going to be able to recreate a dish the same way twice. Hopefully, it will be better the second time around; not only better, but something you can call your own. Cooking takes creativity; an art, like music. You can read the words on the page and follow the directions to the very last letter and still, the recipe may not turn out as you plan. It is only when you add your own creativity and, most importantly, your heart-then it will turn out spectacular.
4. Learn the basics, then build from that foundation. As a nurse, in school our professors taught us the very basics to do our job the best we could. It was from that foundation that we chose which specificity we would like to practice. The same applies to cooking. Learn 5 basic dishes ranging from breakfast to lunch to dinner and dessert. Learn them well, and then you will be able to expand your knowledge to more delicate affairs.
5. Most importantly, have fun. As I have said before, cooking is an art and like all art it should move you and you shouldn't be afraid to make mistakes. Those mistakes will be become part of the joy of cooking. Stories that will be told over and over again. Stuff of legends in your circle of friends and family. I will be sharing some of my stories with you so that you will not be afraid to do the same. A sense of adventure is all that you need. This is my invitation to you to join me in this journey.
The meaning of COOK-A-BOOK is simple. My husband, whom sees acronyms in just about everything, created the title for me. It goes as follows: Charity's outlook on kitchens and Baking out of kindness.
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